Friday, June 3, 2011

Anonymous on Tumblr asked:

Your daily confessions crack me up bro. You should make a book, I would def buy it. A lot of them talk about past girlfriends and stuff, I'm 22 and it's embarrassing to say this but I've never had a girlfriend, never even kissed a girl, the thought of approaching a girl just terrifies me, I don't know what to say them, I just freeze up, or I think too much and stall and the moment passes. I don't want to bring this up with my friends that's why I'm asking you, you've obviously talked to girls. Any pointers, besides "be yourself" and "gotta have confidence"???

I totally know where you're coming from, girls used to terrify me as well, haha. Even after having a few girlfriends I haven't ultimately wiped out succumbing to my nerves.

Also, I totally understand what you mean about "be yourself" and "gotta have confidence". That advice always bugged me. It's not WRONG, but, it's not easy to apply. It's not like you can just go "Oh, confidence? That's it? Why didn't I think of that?! Let me just do that then!" Confident is not something you can just decide to be, and personally I really think people who give that as advice are doing unconfident people a detriment. For years I wanted to be confident, and I didn't know how to be, so I just took it as fact that I'm not a confident person, and that just makes you even more insecure. Does that ring a bell? People never tell you HOW to be confident. To be come confident you really have to adjust like a lot of the core things you believe, eventhough it's tempting me for to get into that it's like way too much for me to type.

Here are some pointers though. 1) Don't say negative things about yourself, not even in your mind. As soon as you catch yourself saying something discouraging, correct yourself. "She probably wouldn't like me." no "There's a chance she'll like me." Stuff like that. The less you say negative things to yourself the less that kind of stuff will pop into your head.

2) Concerning girls, they're just people. This may sound ridiculous, but what helps me not get intimidated by girls is to remember that they poop and pee and fart just like anybody. I don't know if this would work for other people but sometimes if I see a pretty girl I'll imagine her farting. I don't know, maybe that's the dumbest advice I've ever given, haha, but I find it amazingly effective for me personally.

As far as approaching girls goes. I'm going to make an assumption about you, you probably don't have casual conversation with strangers often. That was the case with me. Walking up to a stranger and trying to carry on a conversation with a girl is going to be difficult if you never really talk to people outside your social circle. This was easy to solve for me, I eased myself into it gradually.

step 1) Smile at every single person you make eye contact with throughout your day. Not just pretty girls, but the ones you don't find attractive too, guys, old people, kids, animals, just smile at every single person. Just a friendly little smile, you don't have to bare all your teeth like a psycho or anything, just one of these :) and keep walking. Most people smile back unless they're a miserable piece of poopies. I think getting in the habit of smiling at people is super important for many reasons. a) it makes you seem approachable. b) girls are going to feel less weird about a stranger initiating a conversation with them if they feel he's just a friendly person and not someone who wants something from them. c) The opposite sex pick up on subtext like nobody's business. Half of it they're not even aware of. If you seem like you have a sunny disposition that's communicating to them that you have your shit together, you're happy, headed where you want to go, you're a positive person, etc etc, and that's appealing. d) even if you don't feel like you have anything to be happy about, being in the habit of smiling will put you in a good mood.

2) You can do the smiling thing for a day, or a week, or however long it takes you to feel like you're not forcing it. Then you can move on to throwing in some simple pleasantries. "How's it going?" "Afternoon." "Have a nice day." etc.

3) Now, start complimenting random people. Tell an old lady her dress is pretty or something. Tell a guy his sneakers are dope. Compliment a girl's shoes/hair/outfit. It's not something you have to make a big deal out of, you can just say it in passing, not expecting anything from it. They will appreciate it.

4) After you've gotten comfortable doing all that, start making small talk. It'll probably be a little awkward at first, but don't expect to be awesome at it, the object is to get yourself comfortable talking to strangers, so that going up to one and initiating a conversation stops being this weird thing that you feel like you need a "reason" to do.

bonus tips: Don't ask girls yes or no questions. It's a conversation killer. "Waiting for the bus?" "Yeah." "Cool, you go to school?" "Yeah." ".....(you thinking of another thing to say)...." "....(her waiting for you thinking of another thing to say)..." the awkward pause becomes too long and you feel like you've lost the momentum so you get nervous and don't say another thing.

Jokes. Not like "A priest a rabbi and a mexican walk into a bar" type of jokes, but just being casually silly at least for me works well for me. I don't know, like, if I complimented a girl's shoes, if she said thanks I'd probably say something like "I probably couldn't pull those off myself." I mean... that's not hilarious or anything, but it's like 'hey I don't take myself seriously, I joke around with strangers, I'm a fun person'. I don't think really anything in the world helps establish a rapport or chemistry better than humor. When you laugh with someone you just feel closer to them. A lot of guys don't need to tell jokes to get dem digits, but personally making a girl laugh is the only way I know how to achieve that.

I'd recommend studying some sociology, especially if it pertains to the differences between men and women, social interaction, body language, etc etc. Understanding how people function and why is super valuable, not only for like dating, but just navigating life period.

Also, I know a lot of dudes are turning to this "pick up artist" stuff, and I don't think it's all entirely bad, I mean, those dudes do get results obviously, but I'd take that stuff with a grain of salt. I think some of the principles are valid, but "peacocking" and canned openers are a little lame in my opinion. Do you see yourself wearing a huge furry hat and feather boa to a club just to get attention? Do you really want to get involved with a girl who's even slightly interested in a dude because he has a huge furry hat and feather boa? I don't know what kind of girl you're into, but the kind I'm into probably isn't going to be very enticed to go home with a guy with a huge furry hat and feather boa calling himself "Mystery" and being all douchey. I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with girls who go for that kind of dude, but I don't think you should have to put on an act and create this facetious persona to get laid. But that's just me. I think a lot of girls, especially smart ones, are more attracted to guys who are their genuine self. Also, now that everybody's reading that pick up artist stuff girls will smell your "game" from a mile away.

Uhhh, that's all I got for now, I hope it was helpful. Feel free to e-mail me if it wasn't haha, or if you have more questions or anything, I don't mind.

Good luck. Imagine girls farting, all the time. ;)